the damned one.

have you ever felt that you are fake?
and that the whole world is laughing at you?
and that you have let everyone down?
that is exactly how i am feeling at the moment.
i dont understand why i say a yes to kheya in the first place.
her crazy idea to put me up for the quiz ruined the bit of faith i had in myself.
its all fading away.
i made and utter fool of myself up there.
in front of the whole school.
i mistook "the eagles" as "the who".
yes.
i should never be forgiven for that.
and now i feel fake.
a poser.
and i guess thats what everybody else feels about me too.
the so-called-rockstar has become the biggest flopstar and shockstar and whatever else.
i let kheya down.
she thought that that would be one area where i would shine.
i let myself down.
i couldnt manage to pass as a student of rock.
and the whole school now laughs at me.
and chides me.
and curses me for not getting that one answer right.
and i dont blame them.
i curse myself.
maybe i am supposed to be this way.
the comic act in the theatre of life.



the damned one.

infinity.

i think of what to write but i somehow feel unable to write anything.
but there is a want to pour out a lot of untold feelings and emotions.
a want to let it all flow out.



there is an impotency which is numbing me.
the fact that there is a lack of perfection.
music, poetry, art.
it is there but yet not there.
something is missing.
and that something is keeping me from reaching the zenith.
i reach out but there is nothing to pull me forward.
i keep pushing myself but i am still stuck on the same road and destiny seems to be out of bounds.
there are attempts.
old ones and new.
the want to excel is there.
a want which has not been fulfilled over these years.
a want which is crying out like a baby in the cradle but no one hears its cries.
i'm falling into space.
its all vacuum.
i'm grappling and falling face down.
i'm falling into infinity...

b r e a k t h r o u g h .

i created this blog for the sole purpose of letting go of myself.
a vain attempt to unravel the mysteries of my soul.
drowning in the flood of hope of discovering the girl which survives inside me.
unrhymed, mismatched, undiscovered.
the spirit searches for answers to the zillion questions which seem unanswerable.
a quest for the unattainable.
but there is a hope that will always survive.
the hope that will make the soul take that one extra step in the engulfing darkness towards a non existent source of light.
the breathing will die away, the life will burn out and the mangled body will lie in a decaying world but the soul will exist and will keep going on.
there is the strength to think, to hope but a marked weariness in attempting to fight.
times are changing.
the soul is changing with time.
it searches for the roots which have been blurred by the urban squalour.
all that remains is one more step.
just another step.