f e e l .

Its windy.
and i got wet today.
in the rain.
winter rain.
and i smiled.
maybe this time next year, i'll be too far away to enjoy it.
this time next year, i might be in my dorm thinking about the life i have left behind.
its funny how something as significant as rainfall can make you think of so many things.
make you feel things which you never thought you could feel.

my friends are not like me.
they are different.
or i am different.
i didnt think i would miss being with them, though.
but i found myself buying diaries today.
those diaries which your friends fill before you pass out of school.

i felt like celebrating life today.
i tried to study.
but my mind wandered a bit too much.
into space.
i wanted to savour every moment i have left here.
with the people around me.
i sketched.
i wrote.
and i still am writing.
i dont know why.
neither do i know about what.
i do this when my head feels too heavy.
when i need to talk to someone but cant quite put forth a coherent speech.

winamp is on.

At times life's unfair and you know it's plain to see
Hey God I know I'm just a dot in this world
Have you forgot about me?
Whatever life brings
I've been through everything
And now I'm on my knees again

But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many feel this way

i realise that i am a part of the greater picture.
not the wall hidden behind it.

b u l l s h i t .

for once, i wish i was not born.
[[cut out the once part.]]
its so frigging pissing off that its not even funny.
all of it.
my head is bobbing with too much of everything.
why oh! why do things have to be this way?
why oh! why cant things be okay and everything like that for some time?
things are not even in the viscinity of okay and everything like that.


bandhs.
i dont like them.
they keep me away from school.
they make me feel ashamed.
ashamed of the fact that i like in a state which is governed by people who are too busy thinking about themselves to think about everyone else.
too busy trying to cripple everyone with their power to try and aid the crippled.
too busy thinking that whatever they are doing is right to actually do what is right.
kill.
shed blood.
thats what generation y is going to learn.
that is what generation y is already learning.
and there is no one, not ONE single person, trying to protest.
they say that the biggest crime is to support a crime.
this state is full of criminals then.
not one honest person.
everyone is too busy in the spotlight.
trying to make the headlines.
trying to be CM.
why on earth cant anyone let people be?
why on earth cant anyone let people decide for themselves.
now everyone else knows why i want to leave, run away, scoot from this place!




then there is pakistan.
that musharraf dude gets on my nerves more than anyone else.
bloody dictator scum.
i couldnt care two pence about him and neither could anyone else.
but there he is, acting like a stupid leech, trying to suck blood and life out of everything that stands for truth and honesty.
this also reminds me of darfur.
and i know that you dont know anything about darfur.
and i cant ramble about it now.

and i know that i'll be hunted down and shot by everyone for writing all of this, but i couldnt care.
coz i know that everyfuckingone feels like this and its just nobody says anything.
bleh.
its their problem.
not mine.
i am the world's tomorrow and i will stand by what i think is right.
kill me for doing so if you have to!



now to my miserable life.

one and a half months of school left.
and i dont know WHY i am not liking the feeling.
its not even fair.
my friends....best left unsaid.
the school is unbearable.
i dont like the new order, no.
it makes me feel that i am studying in a business house which is only concerned about three things: money, money and money.
no kidding.
but still i feel weird.
for the "good ol' times".
for ship.
for mandra ma'am.
for the school corridors and walls.
for the music room(which has been broken down).
for the fests(zombie!?! har har).
for the stolen lunchboxes.*sigh*


and i am filled with that absolute dread that i wont get into anywhere.
i'll just end up studying in some shyamsundari type college for the rest of my bloody life.
bye bye america.

and if i go, i need to give of loads of my things i guess.but dont get your hopes up high.
i am NEITHER giving my ibanez NOR monkey man to anyone.
have fun, yes.


lucky mom.
lucky dad.


and i still feel weird.
and isolated.and alone.
and i dont know why.
okay, maybe not alone.
i realised that i like myself alot.
and i gove myself good company.



I H A V E P R O J E C T S T O D O ! ! !
yes, i have rehearsals in jan.
and deadlines to meet too.
keep laughing.its good for your health.


and i have stopped posting poetry and writing and all of that shit because its just an extremely large pile of bullshit.

s m i l e .

its been a long time since i have felt this happy.
it was a point well proved.
all this while i thought that i had failed myself and that maybe i was not good enough to be a part of the school band.
but today, it felt weirdly nice.
yes.
i have never played so badly in my whole life.
worse than the time class 9 when i played "la bamba" for my first fest after only 4 months of learning the guitar, yes.
i was that suckful. [[that is not a word, no.]]
but i dont want to kill myself this time round for being so bad.
it was all so random.
and yet fun.
yes, FUN.
ship and i looked at each other while performing and i kept laughing.
on stage, yes.

i think she was laughing too.

dont know why though.
maybe because it was so fun.
it felt nice to feel that we could have passed of as the saving grace of the whole thing.
that we, at our worse, were still the best.
its a bit complicated.
everything is.
but i prefer it this way.
it makes me S M I L E .

the damned one.

have you ever felt that you are fake?
and that the whole world is laughing at you?
and that you have let everyone down?
that is exactly how i am feeling at the moment.
i dont understand why i say a yes to kheya in the first place.
her crazy idea to put me up for the quiz ruined the bit of faith i had in myself.
its all fading away.
i made and utter fool of myself up there.
in front of the whole school.
i mistook "the eagles" as "the who".
yes.
i should never be forgiven for that.
and now i feel fake.
a poser.
and i guess thats what everybody else feels about me too.
the so-called-rockstar has become the biggest flopstar and shockstar and whatever else.
i let kheya down.
she thought that that would be one area where i would shine.
i let myself down.
i couldnt manage to pass as a student of rock.
and the whole school now laughs at me.
and chides me.
and curses me for not getting that one answer right.
and i dont blame them.
i curse myself.
maybe i am supposed to be this way.
the comic act in the theatre of life.



the damned one.

infinity.

i think of what to write but i somehow feel unable to write anything.
but there is a want to pour out a lot of untold feelings and emotions.
a want to let it all flow out.



there is an impotency which is numbing me.
the fact that there is a lack of perfection.
music, poetry, art.
it is there but yet not there.
something is missing.
and that something is keeping me from reaching the zenith.
i reach out but there is nothing to pull me forward.
i keep pushing myself but i am still stuck on the same road and destiny seems to be out of bounds.
there are attempts.
old ones and new.
the want to excel is there.
a want which has not been fulfilled over these years.
a want which is crying out like a baby in the cradle but no one hears its cries.
i'm falling into space.
its all vacuum.
i'm grappling and falling face down.
i'm falling into infinity...

b r e a k t h r o u g h .

i created this blog for the sole purpose of letting go of myself.
a vain attempt to unravel the mysteries of my soul.
drowning in the flood of hope of discovering the girl which survives inside me.
unrhymed, mismatched, undiscovered.
the spirit searches for answers to the zillion questions which seem unanswerable.
a quest for the unattainable.
but there is a hope that will always survive.
the hope that will make the soul take that one extra step in the engulfing darkness towards a non existent source of light.
the breathing will die away, the life will burn out and the mangled body will lie in a decaying world but the soul will exist and will keep going on.
there is the strength to think, to hope but a marked weariness in attempting to fight.
times are changing.
the soul is changing with time.
it searches for the roots which have been blurred by the urban squalour.
all that remains is one more step.
just another step.